Thursday, November 6, 2008
Dating is a horrible, horrible nightmare
"Is this (my name here)?"
Me: "Yuppers. It's me."
Him: "I found this email addy on my desk and couldn't remember whose it was. How ya been?"
Me: "Just peachy. You?"
I'm keeping my emails as short as possible.
Him: "Great! So, have you gotten married yet or heavily involved? Still wouldn't mind taking you to dinner just to see."
So, I told him exactly why I didn't want to go out with him in the first place.
"Here's what made me think twice about dating you: When we talked on the phone the first time and I told you I didn't drink, your response was to gargle beer into the phone. Not exactly mature. Kinda disrespectful, actually, as you didn't know WHY I didn't drink at that moment. What if I was a longtime alcoholic or something? What if my mother had died of alcoholism? It was a bit thoughtless. A man's respect is important to me.
"And throwing illegal fireworks under people's chairs is just juvenile. And dangerous. People lose fingers and stuff that way. Happens all the time. But I'm sure you already know that.
"I have friends like you, so don't think I'm judging you harshly as a person; I'm not. I'm sure you ARE fun to hang out with. I just can't date that. Maybe you were just nervous?"
And so then he sent me a very sincere and humble apology. And because that showed he has character, I decided to give him another chance. Besides, it had been about 6 months since my last date, so I thought perhaps I was ready to get out there and try it again.
The first date was good. He drove clear up here where I live, and we met at a small inexpensive Thai restaurant that I really like. He was not bad looking. He was dressed nicely. He didn't chew with his mouth open. He didn't talk about himself the entire time. He didn't smell bad or say anything offensive. All-in-all, not a bad first date. So I was optimistic about the second.
Big mistake.
We rode up to Nederland, on his bike, to have lunch at Wild Mountain Smokehouse and Brewery. He drove safely, but kept talking to me on the bike, turning his head back as he did so. Made me nervous. And, he kept putting his arm on my leg. A little forward, I think.
As we walked to the restaurant, he put his arm around my waist, and then made some juvenile/pervert remark about pinching my ass. He's a little too comfortable with me. Why?
We sat down to lunch, and he ordered the beer sampler: five small glasses of a variety of beers they brew there. Altogether, it's about a beer and a half, so I'm not too concerned.
We went to order, and he said he wasn't that hungry. I asked if he wanted to share the ahi appetizer, and he said yes, so I ordered it. When it arrived, he said, "What is that?" I replied, "It's the ahi appetizer." He had a blank look on his face. "It's tuna. You've never had ahi?"
Him: "I don't eat raw fish. If I'd known what that was, I wouldn't have ordered it."
??
Me: "Well why don't you order something else? They have a great menu."
Him: "No thanks."
So, he just drank beer.
About 10 minutes in, I noticed he was on a sort of monologue--he was just talking and talking and talking, like he was on stage or something. I tried to interject, but he would just keep on talking about himself, his kids, his job, his friends, his travels, whatever.
He asked me two questions the entire date:
1) Do you have a carry conceal permit?
2) Have you ever driven a motorcycle before?
Now, just because someone rides a bike doesn't necessarily mean they have to fit into a stereotype, does it? I mean, there are people who like motorcycles and own guns who also, say, enjoy the opera or care about the environment? Surely, they are out there.
No? Am I just delusional?
So, when he emailed me the next day, I told him I couldn't see him anymore.
He said he was "shocked," because it was "going so well."
Men are clueless.
"You talked about yourself the entire date. You asked me only two questions. Do you remember what they were?"
He didn't.
"So clearly, you aren't really interested in ME. I think you're more interested in being in a relationship. In just being WITH someone. I need more than that. More than just 'someone to be with.'"
"And, you told me that you have to take Aleve every day, and that you can't get moving in the morning without a hot shower. These aren't things I'd tell someone on a second date, and certainly not something I'd tell someone who was 15 years younger than me. I don't want someone who can 'keep up,' as you put it. I want someone who will LEAD."
He didn't know what to say to that, either.
I'm SO done dating.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
I just couldn't do it
I am just not ready for more dating. All the bad dates I've had at Match just ruined my attitude for it. And, there were warning signs:
1. He's from Texas
2. He's 59 (I'm 44)
3. He has half custody of two rather young daughters (12 and 15).
4. When I told him on the phone that I didn't drink, his response was to gargle with a swig of beer while I was still talking.
5. When he invited me to join his friends at their place to set off fireworks, I asked him if he was sure it was legal because of all the current fireworks bans. He said, "Oh, we don't worry about that. Our culdesac always sets off bottle rockets and stuff."
Bottle rockets are not only a fire hazard, they're illegal.
Then he said, "Yeah, I like firecrackers. They're my favorite. I like to throw them under people's chairs and stuff."
Basically he's a large child masquerading as an adult.
So after evaluating all that, I decided I wouldn't be missing much by canceling my date with him.
Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to date again.
Men r pigs.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Biker Fourth of July
I'm sure a post will follow.
*sigh*
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
How important is chemistry?
Say you go out with a perfectly decent guy. He's not bad looking, likes the outdoors, has a decent job, and even has a sense of humor. He's been married before (not one of those dreaded "never-marrieds!") so I know he's house-trained, and he has grown kids. And, it was a pleasant date.
But here's the downside: There's no chemistry.
So, if it were you, would you go out on a second date with him? Or would that be a complete waste of time?
Can chemistry be developed over time?
Opinions are welcomed.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
You men are idiots!
I had a lovely hiking/lunch date with someone I met on Plenty of Fish, someone I had winked at on Match, but who never got the wink. He's 43, never been married (those always scare me), doesn't smoke, and loves the outdoors. He's also a baldy, and I happen to like baldies. :)
We had a great hike on the Mesa Trail, and then a marvelous lunch at the Chautauqua Dining Hall. He's a computer geek--well, he was a computer geek in California making $3,500 every paycheck, and then he quit and moved to Colorado and became a remodeler. It's kind of an anomoly--a computer geek who's good with his hands. Better, he's a Democrat, and has a good sense of humor.Anyhow, while we're hiking he mentions that his birthday is coming up, and that he doesn't have a date. I say, "Oh, when is it?" And he says, "Sunday," and I say, "We should do something!" He says something like, "Yeah, I was thinking about dinner and a movie or something." All perfectly casual, with no indication to me that a date on Sunday was forthcoming. And I was making it easy for him with the "We should do something!"
That was Thursday. He calls me Saturday and leaves this message:
"Hello, this is XXX. I'm still thinking about dinner and a movie tomorrow night or a hike, but, um, anyway .... I still have tomorrow wide open in the evening. In the morning I'm just going to go for a little hike. And that's about it. All day. Today, I'm busy spreading bark in the evenings. Talk to you later. Bye."
Nowhere in that message does he invite me to join him. And since it would be our first real date, I'm afraid he HAS to do that. It almost sounds like he's fishing for ME to ask HIM out.
It's not rocket science! If you like a girl, ASK HER OUT. You have to actually say the words, "Would you like to go out with me Sunday to celebrate my birthday?" Not, "I'm still thinking about dinner and a movie tomorrow night ... " Well I'm thinking about how lovely it would be to be rich, but that's not happening, either.
So I sent him this email:
Happy birthday!
I got your phone message that you were "still thinking about dinner and a movie." I'm not sure what you mean by that, exactly, as you didn't invite me to join you.
If you're just looking for buddies to hang out with, I already have plenty of those! So if you want a girl to go out on a date with you, you have to actually say: "Would you like to go out with me on Sunday night? For dinner and a movie?"
Then, it's a date. Anything else is just two friends hanging out."
So he calls tonight at 5:30, and leaves this message:
"Hi, it's XXX. Sorry I screwed up in my communication, and, um, and couldn't say the right words, um, I'm not really good at the whole dating terminology and exactly what to say at the right time, and, well, I guess it didn't work out. Bye."
Men are EXASPERATING!!
When I get home, he's also sent this email:
"Hi,
Let's just forget the whole idea. Maybe a hike...
So, I'm at home and I'll give you a ring at about 5:30. I'm off to the showers to try and wake up."
So I send this:
"Hi XXX,
Forget what whole idea? Dating? Have you given up already?
I know you're not very good at the communication thing, which is why I sent the last email. I was trying to help.
You seem like a genuinely nice person, but if you don't want to go into the Friend Zone with every girl you meet, you have to be the pursuer. Most girls are not going to chase you. I personally don't chase men. If they're interested, they ask me out. If they are wishy washy, or passive, or afraid to make the first move, I lose interest. But that's just me. I'm sure there are women out there who love to chase boys, if that's what you're looking for.
You have to take action, and just ask them out, as in, "Would you like to go out with me Sunday night? It's my birthday, and I'd like to celebrate it with you." Or something nice like that. You can't just hint at a possible date, like, "I'm thinking about dinner and a movie Sunday." It's not rocket science. You're a smart guy.
I had fun hiking with you that day. If you'd like to go out with me, like on a date, then you'll have to ask me.
It's up to you."
How sad is it that I have to teach them how to ask me out on a date? How can a man be 43 and be this clueless?
No, really, I want to know. How?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Are these guys all scammers?
He sends this email in return:
Hello Pretty....
I just went through your message and checked ur profile again and i liked it so much so i thought i should write... Actually, I got your words and it really impressed me so much, well, I just wanted to let you know the kind of person I am, I am a man that is in need of real and perfect love, I need a woman that can take me through, see , I have been hurt so many times by different women and wouldn't want that to happen to me again......thats the reason why I said that I need love.... I am far from a millionaire and am not out for anything but love from someone. Having someone that loves you and supports you in your life through good and bad times and won̢۪t give up on you is what I am looking for. Honesty and trust are what makes a relationship work. I prefer to watch a movie or attend the theater rather than read a novel. I also enjoy travel, experiencing different geographies and people. My eyes are hazel, and I have fair white skin. I do not smoke. I do drink on social occasions and well concerning sexuality, I am not a promiscuous man. My desire is to be sexually faithful to the woman I marry. If two people love each other and will communicate what they like and do not like about their partner's sexual behavior, I believe many problems can be resolved. Moreover, I am currently working on my own cos i had to try something else after i lost almost all i had to my last relationship..i just got into the business of collecting antiques...it is a nice thing to do..i buy and sell antiques and well i am on a trip to to get some antiques in WEST AFRICA from here nextweek..it aint fun anyway but i will be back home soon to the United States very soon, hope to hear back from you Remember, I need real love..i dont play games and i aint ready to be played....i got yahoo IM...we can get to chat there live..my im name is, (blahblahblah).........i also write poems in my spare time
Rusell
ur#1 Fan
distance is not a problem..if i find the right WOMAN..i dont mind relocating... i have relocated before when i was in love..i dont mind doing it again as long as i find the right woman..
i am a very honest and truthful man..i hate lies and deceit..
i want real love..
if u aint ready for what i said...please dont hit me back..
i am getting too old to play games..
i am a very busy one...lol..very independent....i got a few question for you....
how long have u been on the dating scene??????you got kids?ever married?what do u do for a living?what do u do for fun?
what are your favorite dishes...?? what interest you in my profile???
c ya....
ps...Please write to my email (imanidiot@yahoo.com) Because i'm already out of this site and it will benefit us if you reply back to my email.
Stay bless.
Rusell
Another guy on Match told me that there are a lot of Nigerian scammers on Match who try to get Americans to accept mail order packages for them and then forward the merchandise to Africa.
So I sent him this:
I am a police officer who works with the International Fraud Department.
It's very rewarding.
Haven't heard a thing from him since. He only has one tiny photo of him, too. It looks like it was probably downloaded from the Internet.
Now that I think of it, a lot of these guys have similar profiles: One tiny picture, contradictory information in their profile, mention of the bible, crazy over-the-top responses to my one-line emails--even some of the same words are misspelled the same way.
Could they all be from one person?
If you don't have access to Match and are curious, here's his profile:
for fun:
playing football(soccer)andtennis.and i will like to move out like having a dinner with a lady whom both of us are honest and sincere with each other if we are that closed, go to beach take long walk holding hands, Cinema and play golf
favorite hot spots:
like the bahamas and the tuerks and caicos island and will love to visit some of this asia country one of these days.love eating at home and dont much love at the eatry.
favorite things:
i love eating burger and some times like taking jollof rice with beaf, when it rains i love staying indoor and watch tv.
last read:
the last book i read and which is this morning is bible..lol
About my life and what I'm looking for
I wanna use this oppurtunity to invite you into my life, Some one who will accept my son as her own.some that will inhere me, that will give and show me ineradicable and ineastimable love and passion ,some one that will hobnob me, someone who will make my day be an happy one.,a woman who understands the
meaning of love and feelings as trust and faith in each other rather than one who see love as only way of fun, but a mature woman with nice vission of what the word LOVE is all about someone who i will grow old with.loving.caring.honest.sincere and understanding lady.Well am very Romantic person.i give all i can do to make a lady to feel for me.i will always make her happy wont hurt her...i will never lie to her...i will be at least 99% honest and 1% funny to her ( cos no one is 100% perfect) and so i am an amorous kind of man.lol.am amiable and i do belive in anticiation.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I think he stole someone else's profile
He says he's 5'6", but then calls himself "tall" in the free-text portion of his profile.
He says he has "some college" in the multiple choice, but says he's "well educated" in the free-text.
His profile is fairly well written. The intro is all messed up.
He says he's in Kentucky, but is looking for women in Alberta.
And he says he's looking for someone 3'3" tall.
And he winked at me.
Of course.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
I'll let you decide
Another snippet from his profile:
MY OWNE PLACE TREVOLER LOT SEE DIFERENT CULTURS
DIFERENT WORLD AND PEOPLE HELP PEOPLE WHEN
THEY RALLY NEEDED ENJOY LIFE IN
DIFERENTS WAYS VERY HAPPY AND ROMANTIC
What should I say to him in my email?
Oh My Lord
I don't know about you, but I love the passionated ones.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Adios, Match.com
You pray he'll look like his picture, and that he'll be interesting, confident, able to handle himself in conversation. That he doesn't have bad breath or a giant hairy mole on his forehead. That he isn't a closet alcoholic. That he has a sense of humor. That he doesn't hate his mother.
I've only had two good dates really. One was with a software designer in Denver, and the other was with an engineer in Boulder. Other than a few emails, I haven't heard from either one since.
So I've replaced my ad at Match.com with a sort of user manual, if you will. It includes tips like:
Have some class.
Well someone should benefit from my subscription, don't you think?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Am I just a loser magnet?
That's his entire profile. He wrote nothing else. Why are these the only types of men who are attracted to me? What does that say about me?
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
How desperate are these men?

So, two days ago, this guy winks at me.
I check out his profile, and see he lives in Florida, so I send this reply:
First, I want to introduce myself briefly to you. I am 47, university educated, I'm an Engineer.I am a widower, have a little boy. I am passionate to life, open-minded, liberal and optimistic,I always pursue my life. I hope to meet a nice lady to know and love each other
I do not know if I am the man whom you are looking for If I am, then I will feel very honored. Hope you can know about me but where can I start to say? In fact I am a very simple man. I need a nice lady to love me, I will also love her very much! it is so simple! But it is hard to do! Both of us expect the love and pursue the happiness. Can we get together? Let us try our best tighter! I will tell you about my characters, my hobbies and my work slowly, but it needs a course!
Sincerely
His Name Here
###
Are these people for real? Maybe it's a hoax? Can people really be this clueless? I mean, is there anything in the email I sent him that would make him think I'd like to get to know him better?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
He's a "native of american"

This out-of-stater winked at me this afternoon. He has three identical pictures of himself posted. I don't think any of them are really him.
His selling points: "Am such a cool man , honest and trusted , my friends use to tell me that i use to be shy yes i am but i keep it up lol , i love my job it keep me going ,am so proud of it , i dont smoke nor drink alcoholic but it doesn`t bother me if someone take it"
Love this one: "My ethnicity: Am a native of american , i was born and raised in newark ohio."
###
I swear, when I read his profile, I thought that English was his second language. Didn't you?





